Those were my thoughts as I was climbing one of the hills on the River Mountain Trail. No one else was around. Not even a roadrunner was in sight in the surrounding dusty hills. From the empty parking lot, there was not much of a warm-up before hitting the hill. My lungs were already burning and my heart was pounding only five minutes into my ride as I started to climb. The last time I had been on this trail was at the end of July as I was preparing for Nationals. I was at least thankful for the 70 degree January day as opposed to the 110 degree July heat.
Last year, after not being able to go to Nationals, I kept thinking I would be able to race at Silverman 70.3 and salvage my season. That turned out to not be a possibility. After weeks of nausea, vomiting, and a lost appetite I found out that I had C. diff (which is apparently common with UC, especially with the treatments I've been on). My parents took turns coming to take care of me and trying to get me to school as much as possible. I had to let the season go. When I eventually got over that, I ended up having a relapse a month later and was basically knocked out the rest of the year when I wanted nothing more than to start off-season strength training. Even walking around the block was a challenge.
Starting to train from nothing is a lot harder than staying in shape and keeping up with a routine (remember that if you are falling off the wagon). I have fallen so far from where I was. Every time I think about what I'm not able to do it's hard not to cry. When I swim, it is difficult to hold back tears, but I don't want to fog up my goggles. I'm frustrated that I'm not where I used to be and worried about the unknown. I need to focus on climbing back up, not on falling down. I need to congratulate myself each time I make it a little further, or a little faster. Personally, I like to celebrate with cookies. And I still reward myself with a quarter in my Kona jar because every workout counts.
The trick to starting a new workout routine, or coming back from illness or injury is really learning how to balance everything. You need to push yourself while not overdoing it. My very first workout this year was an 18 minute swim. I was tired after the first few minutes, but I was able to keep pushing. I was done at 18. There is a difference between "tired" and "done" and "oh no, I did too much." Each time you can make it to "done," you know that you are getting stronger and faster, and your endurance is building. Every time your workouts improve, you should acknowledge it. Be proud of what you can do and how far you've come. Eventually, you will get to where you want to be.
I have had to make a lot of adjustments, which is not an easy task for someone who likes to plan everything. Coach told me last season that it is okay to deviate from my schedule. Go hard on the days that you can, and take it easier when your body is telling you to. There are still a lot of unknowns. I'm going to do what I can, and that's really all that I can ask of myself.
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